


Blame

by Xephin



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: 2nd Person, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:19:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xephin/pseuds/Xephin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xephos dies in an accident and Lalna can’t help but blame everyone, even himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blame

"H-He’s gone, I’m sorry."

You blame Honeydew first. He was there when it happened, he was the one who saw him fall and couldn’t help. You can’t stand to be near him. You can’t even look him in the eye in case he realises that you resent him for being the last person Xephos saw. Every time he tells a story of their adventures you want to scream how it wasn’t fair that he got to spend so much time with him and you had so little before he was snatched violently away from you. You know it’s selfish but you can’t see past your own grief to think about how your boss is feeling, why would you? All you want to do is cry, the pain too much to bare. It’s only after a month of Honeydew being as broken as you do you finally let go of the anger against him and you end up hugging him while sobbing. You feel no relief as he cries with you, the pain exactly the same as always only now your shoulder is wet with tears. You just feel angry and empty.

Sjin is your next target. You need someone to blame and he’s the closest person. You make up excuses in your head; if he wasn’t too busy with Sips then he could have saved Xephos, if he was working on the quarry with Xephos like he was supposed to then he wouldn’t have fell. This time you don’t keep the anger inside. You tell him that you despise him, that you know it’s his fault the person you love is no longer here. You shout at him when he comes too close while trying to comfort you but yet you don’t tell him how unfair it is that he still has Sips while you no longer have Xephos to hold and to kiss. Honeydew tells you frequently that it wasn’t his fault and that no one was to blame for his death but you still won’t listen. You can’t stand Sjin being anywhere near the factory any more  especially near the quarries, it makes you sick. Your work deteriorates even though you throw yourself into it. You just don’t care about the silly machines but you still scream at Sjin if he even just touches a pipe. When you finally punch Sjin in the face for touching your shoulder while you sobbed you know it’s time for you to stop being so angry and to finally try to move on. The punch you get from Sips in retaliation for your violence against his partner further enforces that point and also gives you a strange feeling of relief. You realise you need to get over Xephos, you don’t like who you’ve become and you severely doubt that he would either.

The first thing you do is leave the factory. You can’t stop grieving if you are constantly reminded of him by every clunky machine and chicken egg you see. Of course, you make sure the chickens have enough food (you have been looking after them for an excuse to be alone) and give instructions to Sjin to look after Honeydew and to make sure he’s coping. You wish you could invite the dwarf to your castle but he’s also a painful reminder and you doubt he would want to leave the factory anyway. What are painful reminders to you are happy memories to the dwarf. The castle also holds memories but you can look through the pain to the close, intimate moments you once shared. You smile sadly as you walk past the bedroom, recalling the many nights you spent together, tangled up in the sheets and content. Your heart twinges when you tell yourself that you will never have that again, that complete and utter happiness so you move on. You fly to the roof and dangle your feet off the edge, the flying ring has been removed from your finger and somehow it makes you feel more free knowing you could fall any time and hit the hard floor below. Xephos always loved to see the night sky, you remind yourself. You can vividly recall the stories of his home planet that he told you, how he cried for hours whenever he told you about his family as you just held him. You wipe away you tears and you wish he was here to just hold you and tell you everything would be okay. His soft blue eyes would cause you to calm down immediately and his warm embrace would cause the sadness to finally disappear and allow you to drift into a comfortable sleep in his arms  Sleep used to be so easy with him there, now it was just another bad dream in a real life nightmare.

"I’m so sorry, Xeph."  
You know whispering out loud is crazy as he can’t hear you but that doesn’t stop you, you will do anything to become yourself again. Talking to ghosts isn’t exactly new to you either.  
“I was so cruel to Honeydew… even more horrible to Sjin!” You run a gloved hand through your greasy unwashed blond hair. “I guess, without you, I’m broken.” You are still whispering as you look up at the sky. ‘I’m just a shell now, I can’t do anything right and I can’t even function like a normal person any more ” A sigh escapes your lips, your breath forming a cloud in front of you.   
“Why did you leave me?” You can feel yourself get angry again, this time at Xephos. You have never felt angry at Xephos and it scares you but you still can’t stop. “How could you do that to me?! Didn’t you know how much I cared about you, how much I loved you?!”

Nobody answers back as you pause to breathe.   
“I just did it again, I got angry and blamed people again, I just blamed you. It wasn’t your fault, just like it wasn’t Sjin’s or Honeydew’s.”  
Still the empty night doesn’t reply. The stars hang overhead and twinkle at you mockingly.  
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” The anger wells up once again and all you see is a red haze as you scream at the dark. “I should have been with you, I could have saved you but no, I HAD to be working on that damn sorting machine instead!”  
You barely feel pain as you slam your fist as hard as you could into the nearest wall, too busy yelling pointlessly at the night sky.   
“This is not fair! It should have been me, not you! So many people miss you, even Sips. I saw him crying with Sjin when you passed away” It had been a shock to you when you had seen the tough man sobbing and it had made you realise how big a part of everyone’s lives Xephos was. It caused you even more pain. “Maybe if it had been me instead then everyone could be happy and I wouldn’t be shouting at nobody and being a useless worker to everyone! You would still be alive and…”

You can’t shout any more, the tsunami inside you has turned into a harmless puddle. You feel a strange sense of calm fill your body as you stare at nothing but darkness, unwiped tears leaving tracks down your cheeks.   
“I love you.”   
You would give anything to hear the words back but you know that’s impossible. Your use of present tense doesn’t escape your notice, deep down you know you will love Xephos until you die even if you move on. You slowly make your way back to your bed, flopping unceremoniously on top of the covers. Dully,you notice haven’t slept in this bed since the accident and you swear you can still smell him on your pillows. As you feel yourself drift off, you could almost hear Xephos’ soft snores beside you and you struggle to stay rational. It’s all in your head but you don’t care. You reach across the bed and almost sob when you are met with cold air and a quiet night once again.    
“Goodnight, Xephos.”  


End file.
